2018 and 2019 were the toughest years of my life thus far. After encountering a traumatic incident, I realized my relationships were failing and I found it hard to connect with people like how I used to. I kept having trust issues with everyone that I was close with at that time. My self-defense mechanism became so high that anything anyone does, I will be extremely guarded and protective towards myself. This had caused conflicts between me and my close friends. I’ve never once begged anyone to pity me or treat me like a victim, all I ever wish for was that people who I was closest with understand why I act how I act without me having to justify every single time. None of them seem to ever understand the pain I had to go through.
During 2018, it was my final year of uni in Australia. I had to juggle my studies with my part time job. Because of the pressure, I get nauseous, stressed up and anxious. I felt like I was going crazy whenever I had to go through a panic/anxiety attack. The battle with my mental health also affected my studies causing me to receive a fail grade. I then went for therapy which helped tremendously.
In 2019, a year after the “incident” I still had to deal with a lot of proceedings related to the “incident”. That had worsen my mental health and my therapist also think that it had affected me more than the “incident” itself. Honestly, I am still having sessions with my therapist to help me with processing this moving forward. Obviously I have yet to completely overcome it because I am still struggling to explain what “incident” this is. But I hope to be able to do so someday, I really hope so.
What I do everyday is trying to spread awareness to others about womens rights, let people know they have their rights and it is NEVER their fault if something terrible happens to them without their consent at all. I’ve been very vocal about issues like this and I do the best that I can to be there for whoever that is going through similar situations in their lives. Helping others is definitely one of the best coping mechanism for me. It helps me heal too when I am there to support and empower another.
First step is to get out of the “self-blame” state. Because when someone does something to you without your consent, it is NEVER EVER your fault no matter what condition you were in. You were taken advantage of and this is the perpetrator’s motives. Second is reminding yourself of your self worth and that nothing nor anyone can ever take that away from you. Be strong, be fearless at the same time do not be afraid to be vulnerable. Do not ever think that being vulnerable is weak. This is something I’m still learning everyday. It is not going to be easy at all but when you are able to deal with all these, nothing can ever bring you down.
Just keep going. I always imagine myself 5-10 years down the road, what would the future me would have felt if I did not fight the hardest even when I was at my lowest. I do not want to have any tiny bit of regret in my life for not doing anything to fight for my rights and build myself up again when I had the chance to. You will lose lots of people along the way, people might think you are too much for them or any other reasons to make you feel bad, but you know your worth and after everything you had to battle mentally and emotionally, you will know that sometimes losing these people are not a loss at all.
Written by - Chin Wei Jean