Since young, I felt unidentified, lost and often pondered on the meaning of life. I felt I didn't have a position at home, unlike my sister and my brother. I always felt like I was from a garbage bin or someone who was switched at birth. I realized I was always trying to understand other people's perspectives and be as forgiving as possible. I have also always blamed myself for anything that happened - friendship failure, academic difficulty, family conflict. All these led to my suicidal ideations when I was 10.
From primary to secondary school, my constant trigger was a friend that harmed me physically. She scratched or pinched me until I bled and told me that blood flow is good for health. She constantly berated me and caused my people pleasing tendencies to spiral further. Fast forward to my life now, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder at the age of 21. I decided to seek help after I started having anxiety attacks, hallucinations and delusions. This was when I decided to start on medications and keep this friendship at bay because it had tremendous consequences on my mental health.
I have been in therapy since 2014, and it is still ongoing right now. I’m lucky to have a lot of friends to support me in my hectic journey. I overcame a lot of suicidal attempts because of them and I really appreciate their presence in my life. Shout out to people who are going through hardships, you are not alone and do seek help as soon as possible. It is definitely not easy to step out of your comfort zone, but with help from your friends or even me, it can help alleviate your pain a little. Remember acknowledging your pain is the first step.
Written by - Khoo E-May
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