I grew up being an obese kid. I used to constantly get mocked and taunted every day throughout my schooling life for my weight and not being able to speak another language besides English. Secondary school life was the worst time of my life. I felt left out and couldn’t relate to the people around me. I started self-harming for every small problem. I eventually attempted suicide at the age of 14 because I felt that my life was never going to change. I was the only child and didn’t have many people to talk to. The ones I confided in about my feelings ended up using it against me. I trusted the wrong people, wrong men, got my nude leaked once because I was blackmailed into sending it. I was left in paranoia and there was no one I could run to.
Well, most people don’t actually understand what depression really is. Being depressed and being sad is entirely different. I found it really tough to talk to people because most of them would tell me to “get over it” or to “stop thinking about it”. Some even started saying that “she’s cutting herself for attention” even when I avoided talking about it. All of this toxicity started affecting me mentally real badly. A certain place, a certain song, and almost anything can cause me to relapse. I started getting nightmares very often, which caused sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming to the point I became afraid to sleep.
To be honest I’d be lying if I said that I am completely free from the grasp of depression. I still go through it. I still cry. Sometimes I do end up relapsing and hurting myself. But it’s not as bad as before. I’ve got a circle of friends now to keep me in check. And I do my own self-care through writing and music. I also decided to open up and talk to people about what I’m going through because I realized that there's nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to scars as it's a part of your journey. Besides that, I decided to head over to a psychiatrist recently to diagnose myself and I was diagnosed with BPD. (borderline personality disorder) mainly because of my childhood trauma. Going to a psychiatrist has made me aware of what I'm going through and it has helped me.
Diagnosis is important to at least know what you are battling with. I know it’s not easy. I know there are times you would want to give up. I know that you are wearing a mask and sometimes it falls off without you realizing. Only you know your pain. What I would advise you is to always occupy yourself doing something you love. It's not easy because there are days where you just want to binge eat and lock yourself in your room all day, but as difficult as it is, walk out your room, take a walk in the garden, spoil yourself with everything that you love including food, go out with friends that make you feel positive about yourself and just do the things that make you feel happy and worthwhile. Never put your happiness or feelings in the hands of others. Listen to good music, watch motivational videos, try something that you never have, experience life. Even though it's alone. Sometimes the best times of your life are when you are experiencing it alone. Just remember that it's a horrible day and not a horrible life. There will always be light at the end of the tunnel. As dark as it is, you might trip over a few stones and get injured but heal and continue walking. You will get there. We all will. Someday.
Written by - Joanna Joseph