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Updated: Apr 3, 2020

Back in 2014, I was 19 years old when I moved away from home to further my studies. I was naïve and was never once exposed to the topic of body image. I was a bubbly girl, never weighed myself, and ate everything that I could. I was really happy with everything that I was, at that point in time. My life took a huge turn during my first-semester break when I came back home. My mother casually commented on my weight gain where before it did not even cross my mind. It did not stop there; a few others commented on the same thing again and again. Then, it hit me, that I really gained weight.

I started looking in the mirror differently. I started weighing myself. I even started weighing my food. Then, I saw myself exercising excessively. Eating lesser and lesser which led me to eventually losing weight. However, I was weak, always feeling cold and never had the energy to do anything. I eventually flunk my degree and became depressed. On top of all of that, I still can’t make myself eat. I still exercise excessively, with no food in my system. The cycle continues.

One day, I’ve learned that I can force myself to puke and that was the start of my downward spiral. Whenever I ate something I thought I don’t deserve, I forced myself to puke. I would wake up feeling hungry, binge until I was satisfied and forced myself to puke. It happened 5 times a day for 3 years.

All these stopped when I met a guy that constantly reminded me that I was beautiful and that I deserve to eat. I thought I finally found some peace in eating. The fairytale however ended when we went our separate ways. The situation got worse when I was studying abroad in Sydney all by myself. I saved up all my money on food to be binged and puked 3 times a day for a year. I knew I could not go on with that lifestyle and decided to stop eating out. Until today, I only eat what I cook. I don’t see food as happiness as others do, I only see food as something I need to survive.

This is how I chose to cope with Bulimia. It never ends. 6 years later, I’m still struggling with it but I’m coping. So many times I wanted to end my life, so many times I feel so suffocated in this gigantic body of mine, but I will continue to battle this especially for my parents. I’m glad I’ve stopped puking. I learned to love myself. I stopped weighing myself. I started going to the gym for health reasons. I started to eat only when I‘m hungry and stop whenever I’m full. And most of all, I’m much stronger and confident from within.

From my experience, I’ve learned never to seek confidence from another person, as it will never last. I also regretted the day I stuck a finger down my throat. Because of that one decision I made, it took years for me to change my bad habits and get to where I am today. Lastly, if anyone would ever tell me that I’m fat, I would look them in the eyes and say “mind your own damn business”.

Written By - Elaine.


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